Marriage: You're ready when you Are!

There were times when, when people pictured India, it was fakirs with begging bowls, monkeys and endless fields and farms... Today when people think of India what comes to their minds is food, Bollywood (song and dance routines) and BIG FAT weddings... Really - why would the Brangelinas and Liz Hurleys and the Russell-Perrys of the world flock to India for that 'drama' and 'larger than life' wedding... Let me not even start about our weddings..., that may be the topic for a book....

Only in India, can you get away with personal questions like - "When are you getting married" or "Why aren't you still married" and "When are you guys expecting a baby" and then "When are you planning the second one"...I mean, middle aged folks fed up with their own marriages ask such personal, sometimes painful questions... I was a little disappointed when even some well meaning people I respect and adore, kept asking others in our circle as to - "hey when are you getting married" or "when are you having a kid".... and "when is the second"... Certainly these are not items in a shopping list to be ticked off. Count 2 years and atleast you must have ticked off the 'kid' part and another 3 years and the 'second kid' item!

It is as though, without marriage and parenthood, you are incomplete, worse finished! I know, now that , if you are half baked yourself, chances are that these very things will indeed burn you off! While age limit for drinking, voting, driving etc can be defined and set, please for God's sake, allow an individual to decide when s/he is ready for marriage, when s/he is ready to have a child.... and BTW, marriage is not as glorious/ rosy as people make it out to be - its hard work - lot of chewing, digesting and swallowing ego, hard truths and pride, even! And if you really care, its about making it count every single minute. And, and you get to hear the dull, nasty word called 'compromise' as though its some holy chant - BTW compromise, is something you do on someone else's terms - so not really a great thing. Please, people, a true marriage, is something where you discover, explore and include, not where you compromise and deny!

And parenting - parenting is about being a better person than you are or can ever imagine to be, every single day!

So seriously if you feel you are not upto it, probably you're right, don't make other people coax or bully you into thinking you are - chances are that they don't have the first damn clue of what's going on in their own marriage or what a true marriage is all about! And unlike what the majority feel, single people or couples without kids are not callous, insensitive or sick people, they are just the frightfully aware people who dared defy tradition and wanted to seek out life on their own terms.

Marriage, children etc were devised as a way of experiencing life when the Vedas stated the four dimensions of a man's life and when approached appropriately it is life enhancing and profound. And that moment will come in everyone's life, just remember that its different for everyone and it is upto EACH ONE OF US to set that date and time!

Your Girl Child and what she deserves

I have a daughter and I am reading all these articles about women abomination, suppression and harassment and thinking...... I may have scraped past without having to go thro’ these in the extremities mentioned, but will my daughter? I know we have much to be desired in terms of safer laws, better protection, lesser prejudices and greater choices for women as a society, but I cant help shaking off that feeling that there’s a lot that needs to be changed in the way we bring up our children – not just girls, but also boys. Remember, we are a proud patriarchal society that believes that the world is right only when in the hands of men.

So I put down a few things I want to be careful about while bringing up my daughter:

1. Avoid celebrating festivals like 'Karva Chauth' or for that matter any festival where a woman is portrayed to be inferior or dependent to a man. All celebrations should be about life and what life is all 'bout – energizing, vibrant and synonymous to happiness and togetherness. If you are really perturbed about being the first to break tradition, insist that your husband observes the same fast and goes thro' the same routine that you do. After all, there's nothing wrong if the man prays for the long life of his wife too.
2. Do not follow any routines in the family which is highly sexist – like only Mama should cook, only Dad can play… Teach children that we have assumed certain roles because of convenience and not because of our sexes. Let your children see you go out for lunch with your friends/for aerobics class while your husband takes care of the house and kids.
3. I believe every child should be taught four things, at the very least - swimming, driving, some form of martial arts/defense mechanism and cooking. These are life skills and everyone should know this, irrespective of whether s/he is a boy/girl.
4. Teach your child – be it a boy/girl that they need to earn their daily food – which means they need to have contributed their physical, emotional, intellectual abilities in some way – in short there’s just no free lunch whether you have affluent parents/affluent spouse/affluent friends. Teach them the importance of being economically independent and socially respectable. I personally find some of the best ‘jugaad’ and brains rotting away in the Indian household kitchens.
5. Do away as far as possible with pompous weddings, celebrations and flashy show of wealth – exhibitionism and sometimes even baseless traditional practices. They just advocate divide between 'haves' and 'have-nots' and 'weak' and 'strong' – Am sure you can’t advise your relatives and extended family – you will be cast one of those dirty ‘looks’ – but certainly teach your children that ‘marriage’ is more important than the ‘wedding’ and there is no correlation whatsoever between ‘how grand your wedding was’ and ‘how happy your marriage is’…
6. Don’t tell your daughter that she cannot do anything simply because she’s a girl – be it playing cricket or going out in the dark or choosing her own life – prejudices start with our own outlook, so be careful about giving her the dignity she deserves.
7. Tell yourself that the biggest thing you can give your daughter is access to best in class education, not a ‘dhoom dhadaka’ wedding or gold ornaments – don’t even save or keep away money for these things and let her know too – trust me with tenacity, education and confidence she can win the world – not to speak of a life companion.
8. Teach your children to walk away from someone who hurts them emotionally or physically, without guilt in their heads. In India, people put up with offensive partners, teachers, elders because ours is a culture that associates good with meek and docile and people who resist are considered outcasts and perverts.
9. Never punish/segregate your daughter for something that nature has bestowed her with – she needs your understanding and care during her monthly cycle, not seclusion and aloofness.
10. Teach your children to take pride in what nature has bestowed on them – that includes their colour, their features, whatever they are endowed with.  Teach them not to be bogged down / carried away by how others perceive of their physical features or their looks.
11. Teach them religion, if you must – but the highest manifestation of God that I have seen  to date, is when I see my daughter not understanding God but treating with equality all the people around her – be it my maid servant or my husband’s boss. so yes, if you have to teach them religion, insist that He is one of us, all of us and so never turn anyone away from your door, never reject an opportunity to offer a drink of water or a morsel of food – I always believe God comes disguised as people we abhor the most or least expect. 
12. Teach your daughter to walk with her head held high - be it down the street or aisle - teach her to look at life in the eye.
13. But really, the icing of it all is to never feel prejudiced and subjugated yourself, never feel guilt for your feminine side. Our life should be an exploration of all opportunities and advantages and hopefully our daughters will see and realize the possibilities of being a woman & sons will realize how incomplete life is without a woman.

Like many other posts, this one is impromptu and I am looking forward to inputs from my friends who feel strongly about this as I do, to help me complete this list…..

Crass is always adorned with lotta frills...

Ever noticed, no one has ever complained about bad service or bad ambience or even bad decor inside a KFC or a McDonalds - even the bride and groom of big fat Indian weddings would fall flat competing the big gracious smiles of the people at these counters. I, personally, remember many times that I wanted to buy at these places just to appease these "wonderful, sweet people"...

But why is that the service/ambience/decor at most bakeries/fast food/comfort food joints jut way above the benchmark/people's expectations? No its not because they are American or Western or they are the new emblems of customer centricity. I'm sure there is bad service even in America. So what is it then? I can only think of one thing - when a book is empty, you will have to adorn its covers to sell it. Imagine if  the McDs/Pizzerias/KFCs of the world had bad service, bad ambience to top their negative nutrition food, how would they sell?

Agreed these are "comfort" foods - remember how in almost every English movie - the female lead is downing a big bucket of ice cream after she's had a major showdown with her boyfriend/boss/husband/girlfriend/pet animal. So comfort food provide you the sort of comfort where you feel totally liberated while eating it, followed by hours and hours of discomfort, not to speak of the guilt, especially if you are a weight watcher. Don't get me wrong, no, I'm not against people eating junk food (cant care less) and this blog is not about the ill effects of junk food.

It just interests me that crap comes loaded with a lot of dressings and fluff, no pun that! In a world of advertising and derived social tastes, we fall flat to places/things/people who can boost our ego, but in reality are taking our intelligence and instincts for a ride. I have never seen MTR or a Saravana Bhavan, go that extra mile to pat our egos or even ensure we are comfortable there - they are just in the business of good food and they draw the line there, they take that seriously and nothing else.

Let me cut some slack here for the really fine restaurants which are in the business of good food and good experience as well - here they understand that good experience is beyond the walls of the restaurant - they invest in good food too. In the meanwhile, the spread, the offers, the choices and the frills just get better and better at the McDs, KFCs, Dominos and Pizza Huts - after all the better you package the deal, the more it sells!

The 21st century - the Age of the Common, the Ordinary and the Insignificant

Despite everything - the pollution, the violence, the apathy, nature defying sexuality and "hopelessness", these are certainly the best times one can hope to live in . We have every gadget to make life easy, we know that every desire can be fulfilled, almost everything can be bought, every place can be conquered and most important, someone is willing to pay you for every little talent you possess. We finally have arrived at an age for "A place for everyone and everything in its place" - Dunno if the latter is true, but yes there certainly is a place for everyone today.

Think of the inventions that revolutionized this century - The Internet,the Mobile phone, the Social Web. Why are they important/ground breaking? Because, never before has so much power been bestowed on the hands of the individual. Never before have people enjoyed unlimited access, power and choice, without having to sacrifice anonymity - the anonymity of being the common man.

Today the mantra seems to be - You have something you are proud of - it doesnt matter what - someone, somewhere needs you - It could be anything... Sample these...A top corporate honcho having a portfolio like Chief Belief Officer and strategy, top 5 start hotels employing housewives to make 'ghar ka khana', shopping consultants who will help you pick clothes that will suit you and your wallet,  not to talk of cultural officers, diversity managers, why you can make a living even if you only know to eat - I really dunno what other quality a food critic has.  So the fact of the matter is if you are super good at something, anything - even if it is mundane and commonplace, if you are passionate about it, you can carve your own niche....

Is this good? Never better, of course! But where you are blessed really is in understanding what your calling is - to understand what you are 'cut out' for!Most people just vanish never being able to know.... or even attempting... So there's just one difference in people like Aamir, Sachin, Zakir Hussain and most of us - they have found their calling, while we have given up even before we tried! In fact, 'without purpose' you are a lost cause!

So what's this era about -it is an age where simple things can find expression and where ordinary is celebrated and in fact revered and exalted. How else do you explain "phenomenon" ( I dunno what else to call it) like "Kolaveri di" - if that is not the celebration of the ordinary and commonplace, then what is.... Please note that I never meant mediocre anywhere. So finally, its not cliche, every one really has something unique that the world is waiting to lap up. Power to the ordinary, but relentless. Maybe the key to being extraordinary is in really being utterly and super ordinary....And in getting comfortable being...

When you write from the heart...

I attended this workshop on advanced content management some 4 months back - I mean this is not about that workshop or its contents - nothing to take away from the workshop - it was 2 days, well spent. The trainer there said that the mind works like "water flowing thro' a newly installed tap"...it is air first, then murky, gutter water and only after that the pristine, cool elixir follows! Wow! what a truly wonderful analogy.

Someone who'd read my blogs said my writing was so like "I was getting back at someone", as if its like I was venting out. It really bothered me, because yeah! I confess, I do write (sometimes) to get things out of my frame. But arent strokes the only form of expression, where you can not care, I mean, really give a damn about what others will think... I know Rushdie and Taslima would beg to differ! But really what sort of democracy bans instruments of liberal arts like paintings, books and movies! If Brit Colonialism followed "Divide and Rule", modern politics follows, "Deny and Rule" - depriving people of any chance to make their own rules and their own interpretations...

Sorry Rushdie and Nasreen, I need to get back to my blog here - so the point I was trying to get at is  - Why do people write? Well I know it figures in most people's "100 things to do before I die", but really why do people write - from the very limited I read,  I can tell you this - Some people write about secret things they always wanted to do/see happen, whilst others about the things they want to shout from roof tops, some because their life's journey was too colourful or because it was too black and white, why some write because they hate too much  and some others because they love too much, some write because they know so much and others because they are still searching, some write because that's all they know while others write because there's so much to write about......... However everyone writes because they want to give a piece of themselves to the world, because they feel they owe you one! So what if its air at first and then some more gutter..... If the writer and the world can wait, the cool pristine elixir will follow.

And I thought I went astray...

Now what's the most memorable time in anybody's life? At the cost of generalization, I would say that it damn well be your school/college days. And the most colourful memories happen not when you were goody-two shoes, or played it safe or had the perfect track record, if you know what I mean. The most touching memories occur when, in others' words, you did the unthinkable... You got into bad company or fell in love with the professor, or started flirting or took to the puff, or the booze or the crack... I mean based on the circumstances, you just were the first to break tradition in your "group".

And back then, what a shame it must have been to live or come out of it, when you finally were shaken off your euphoria, you must have thought that "I should have played it safe", "Should never have left my trusted gang, "Never should have deviated from the beaten path"...  I did too. And I thought I went astray and by doing the "unthinkable" I betrayed my friends, my family and myself.

When I think back now, I feel a sense of remorse. I feel maybe I didn't really go all out! Why did I hold back? Should have been more exploratory... Should have risked much more... Because that's the stuff movies are made about and books are written about, not about some perfect person who did stuff that neither shocked others nor themselves. What's the point in looking too far or too often before you leap, chances are you may never leap at all. But no matter how you landed or bumped or crashed, the way you get up and beat the dust off you and walk again is what you really are and eventually become!

One life, few escapades and fewer chances... Living life to the fullest - have actually never seen anyone regret it! One day, you might actually recount those 'cock and bull tales' to your children with a great tinge of pride and 'I did those things too' tone.... I know I will and my kid will know that I was not this sad person all the time... She will know I had my moments, my stories and my chances.... But I doubt if she'll ever think my mom had gone astray...

Things I learn everyday from my little girl...

Parenthood teaches you a lot of things... but invaluable are those that your children teach you. I've heard that ideal parenting is when we internalize and nurture the childlike nature of our kids and not the other way around. Parenthood is about getting back to basics - a reminiscence of the time when life was about living and not fire-fighting.

My girl, all of 3 years, is a sensitive and independent person and I value her opinon and outlook on many things. Well she does have them! She is an exciting mix of two diverse worlds - that of me and my husband and she brings to the table a sense of equilibrium and well, she is a happy child...

Things I learn everyday from her. Mind you this is no particular order or flow:

1. You can love a person unconditionally.
2. It is really not that difficult to forgive people.
3. When in doubt, ask yourself some basic questions. For instance, when I tell her that I had a quarrel with her dad and I am upset, she listens and just asks.., " So dont you love dad". A profound and basic question and end of conversation.
4. It is possible to speak your mind and be charming as well.
5. Whether you eat a simple meal at home or are at a party or buffet, you pretty much should just eat the same quantity of food. Availability is not directly proportional to need.
6. That asli mazaa 'Sabke saath hai"....When it comes to being happy, people and not material things matter.
7. That special words and special gestures need to be reserved only for a handful of special people.
8. That charm, not looks is irresistible. But damn, she is a looker as well.
9. A smile and the honest truth can diffuse any degree of tension.
10. That no matter who is at the door, a janitor or a maid or a guest or a child they really ought to be invited in and offered a seat in the drawing room.
11. That it is perfectly normal to not understand God.
12. That when people come to you with problems, they most need your reassurance and not your solution. Like whenever I tell her a problem, she almost always says, "But Mama I am your friend and I love you".
13. That promises need to be kept and you shouldnt lie to people who matter.
14. That its not really easy to say "Sorry", but well its the easiest way to make the other person feel better.
15. That people need to be tackled in different ways - Things that work with dad, dont work with Mom.
16.  That leadership is not about size or ability, it is about the way you inspire others and frankly, about being a little bossy too.
17.  That when it comes to clothes, mix n match works better.
18. That white pulao tastes better than biriyani and boiled eggs are better than double fry.
19.  That no matter what people say, when it comes to food, go by your own instincts
20. That love cannot be taken for granted, especially with mom.

I love you, little one. You have made me a better person, next step seems to be a deserving mom...