There were times when, when people pictured India, it was fakirs with begging bowls, monkeys and endless fields and farms... Today when people think of India what comes to their minds is food, Bollywood (song and dance routines) and BIG FAT weddings... Really - why would the Brangelinas and Liz Hurleys and the Russell-Perrys of the world flock to India for that 'drama' and 'larger than life' wedding... Let me not even start about our weddings..., that may be the topic for a book....
Only in India, can you get away with personal questions like - "When are you getting married" or "Why aren't you still married" and "When are you guys expecting a baby" and then "When are you planning the second one"...I mean, middle aged folks fed up with their own marriages ask such personal, sometimes painful questions... I was a little disappointed when even some well meaning people I respect and adore, kept asking others in our circle as to - "hey when are you getting married" or "when are you having a kid".... and "when is the second"... Certainly these are not items in a shopping list to be ticked off. Count 2 years and atleast you must have ticked off the 'kid' part and another 3 years and the 'second kid' item!
It is as though, without marriage and parenthood, you are incomplete, worse finished! I know, now that , if you are half baked yourself, chances are that these very things will indeed burn you off! While age limit for drinking, voting, driving etc can be defined and set, please for God's sake, allow an individual to decide when s/he is ready for marriage, when s/he is ready to have a child.... and BTW, marriage is not as glorious/ rosy as people make it out to be - its hard work - lot of chewing, digesting and swallowing ego, hard truths and pride, even! And if you really care, its about making it count every single minute. And, and you get to hear the dull, nasty word called 'compromise' as though its some holy chant - BTW compromise, is something you do on someone else's terms - so not really a great thing. Please, people, a true marriage, is something where you discover, explore and include, not where you compromise and deny!
And parenting - parenting is about being a better person than you are or can ever imagine to be, every single day!
So seriously if you feel you are not upto it, probably you're right, don't make other people coax or bully you into thinking you are - chances are that they don't have the first damn clue of what's going on in their own marriage or what a true marriage is all about! And unlike what the majority feel, single people or couples without kids are not callous, insensitive or sick people, they are just the frightfully aware people who dared defy tradition and wanted to seek out life on their own terms.
Marriage, children etc were devised as a way of experiencing life when the Vedas stated the four dimensions of a man's life and when approached appropriately it is life enhancing and profound. And that moment will come in everyone's life, just remember that its different for everyone and it is upto EACH ONE OF US to set that date and time!
Only in India, can you get away with personal questions like - "When are you getting married" or "Why aren't you still married" and "When are you guys expecting a baby" and then "When are you planning the second one"...I mean, middle aged folks fed up with their own marriages ask such personal, sometimes painful questions... I was a little disappointed when even some well meaning people I respect and adore, kept asking others in our circle as to - "hey when are you getting married" or "when are you having a kid".... and "when is the second"... Certainly these are not items in a shopping list to be ticked off. Count 2 years and atleast you must have ticked off the 'kid' part and another 3 years and the 'second kid' item!
It is as though, without marriage and parenthood, you are incomplete, worse finished! I know, now that , if you are half baked yourself, chances are that these very things will indeed burn you off! While age limit for drinking, voting, driving etc can be defined and set, please for God's sake, allow an individual to decide when s/he is ready for marriage, when s/he is ready to have a child.... and BTW, marriage is not as glorious/ rosy as people make it out to be - its hard work - lot of chewing, digesting and swallowing ego, hard truths and pride, even! And if you really care, its about making it count every single minute. And, and you get to hear the dull, nasty word called 'compromise' as though its some holy chant - BTW compromise, is something you do on someone else's terms - so not really a great thing. Please, people, a true marriage, is something where you discover, explore and include, not where you compromise and deny!
And parenting - parenting is about being a better person than you are or can ever imagine to be, every single day!
So seriously if you feel you are not upto it, probably you're right, don't make other people coax or bully you into thinking you are - chances are that they don't have the first damn clue of what's going on in their own marriage or what a true marriage is all about! And unlike what the majority feel, single people or couples without kids are not callous, insensitive or sick people, they are just the frightfully aware people who dared defy tradition and wanted to seek out life on their own terms.
Marriage, children etc were devised as a way of experiencing life when the Vedas stated the four dimensions of a man's life and when approached appropriately it is life enhancing and profound. And that moment will come in everyone's life, just remember that its different for everyone and it is upto EACH ONE OF US to set that date and time!
8 comments:
I liked your post. It is very true how unprepared we are and how little people who have been through this tell us of the entire system. But I agree how mental preparedness helps us to tide over this with a little ease. 'The questions' have truly made us squirm . Hope we don't do it with our friends and peers. Hope we tell our daughters not to compromise but to love enough to do things together.
Absolutely Rhea... thanks for your thoughts on this! Do you write as well?
I'm wondering what triggered this post. Thats a good post, but I would suggest adding more. This looks like you wrapped it up in a hurry. On a light note, when I read "...a true marriage, is something where you discover, explore and include, ..", I read it as "where you discover, explode.." :D
Aparna,
Excellent post. Agree 100% on the fact that you are ready when you are. Everyone matures at different times, everyone's needs and mindsets are different.
So to put an appropriate time for marriage, is like drawing a line in the sand. I am sure you now know why i am not married yet :)
To the personal questions - YEP. The best ones i have heard if you ever want to add it to your next posts
a) Why are you not married yet. Do you have a problem (healthwise) . The most ridiculous question i heard one of my learned colleagues ask his women friend. Will go down as one of the most embarrasing situations in my life
Oh I love this article...No one can know this better than me and you know why....lookin fwd for more to read...keep writing!
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