I couldn't afford to take it easy - at least not like the other tasks I fervently undertake - making dhabba lists or making my daughter's scrapbook or even doing finger painting with her every Sunday. This was huge and a big deal and the real acid test for being 'the perfect mommy'. My daughter was going to be 4 and unlike other birthdays, I had a distinct intuition that I just couldn't run with the usual cake-cutting and dinner-out-with family routine. My daughter's individuality and earliest opinions of her life was carved when imagining how her birthday should be celebrated. She had utilized every birthday party opportunity to make her own opinions of the 'hows' and 'whats' of birthday parties. She had seen and learnt enough to know that these 'things' should not be left to parents alone - she needs to spell out her requirements 'loud and clear' - else the 'kaamchors' that they are, her parents will take the easy way out.
Thus began our plan and the first of the many shopping trips to find the 'perfect' everything - cake, refreshments, invites, entertainment, games etc. I thought I could at least decide who I could call for my toddler's b'day party. But my daughter reinstated at every available opportunity that it was HER b'day and it was either 'Her way or Her Way'. So my list went from 15 children to about 32 children, because she reasoned out that she couldn't ignore children she played with maybe once a year or saw in the corridor once in a while while running up and down the stairs and not to forget children she never knew, but whose parents usually gave wonderful gifts. Fair enough. Long story short, we did finally manage to meet her expectations - 2 cakes instead of 1, colour coordinated decorations and invites, party games, refreshments with high junk quotient. But we never knew the best was saved for the last.
By then our budget had spiraled somewhat out of control, but what the hell! it is our only daughter's special day. Then my daughter matter-of-factly asked me, 'Ma what about return gifts'? I was mentally and physically not prepared. I tried to reason with my daughter that nobody would mind because the food, music, cake and games were all lavish and brilliant. She wouldn't hear any of it - she told me wisely that none of the other things mattered if there were no return gifts. I thought she was being dramatic. But she was adamant and in hindsight, I thank her for drilling sense into my out-of-date, laid back mind. I finally had to give in - does any parent have an alternate choice especially when it is a birthday in question?
I reminisced about the no-frills, but meaningful birthdays my parents gave me. 'Ma let's go now' - she shook me from my useless reverie. The hunt for the return gifts turned out to be the mother of all birthday party efforts - 32 meaningful gifts - alike but customized to the sex and age of every child and wrapped and packed likewise. It meant finding the one shop that had the number of gifts I needed, in the budget I needed and the way I wanted. I was tearing my hair in agony wondering, who invented this concept of return gifts? Sheer torture for 'far from ideal' parents like me!
Come D-Day and my daughter is in the best of spirits. We have a gala party, play games and there is a boisterous debate on who gets the Barbie's head, crown, face, shoes and everything in between. After a frantic, helpless intervention and what seems like an amicable agreement, the cake is cut and I manage to calm the kids with a platter of cake and food. I mentally made a note that anything that is remotely home-made or healthy gets passed or wasted. Then the children get restless and I know its time for them to go home, so I am ready to bid them goodbye when they remind me that I am forgetting something. I realize my grave error and rush to get the gifts and ruefully moan that I have not named or packed them according to sex or age. So I let them open the gifts and exchange it themselves and lo! the most fierce childish battlefield unleashes in the very confines of the place that had dancing feet and smiling faces, just awhile ago. Wrapping paper flew all over the place - 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle' be damned! There were children crying, screaming, sulking and I had to finally call parents to drag wailing kids away from my house. Despite my best efforts, I felt tired, shaken and extremely sad to have invited children over to my place, only to return home crying. The only saving grace were some wonderful kids who came up to me and said 'Aunty, thank you for the beautiful party'.
There are a lot of things you realize about yourself, your child and children in general at a kids' birthday party. Most of them wonderful, but some of them are unsettling - like how we feel it is alright that children are conditioned to expect something in return for something they give or how we unwittingly let children imagine they are entitled to everything they want. It is unsettling how our sense of right and wrong flies out the window when it is our children in question - how children bring the best, but also the 'worst' in us. Family feuds over property is most definitely because we want it for our children, most of us become materialistic after we have children. We cease to believe in good manners once we have children - we think its okay to let our children misuse apartment premises, run amok in restaurants, throw tantrums in public and lastly that its okay for them to sulk and be disappointed or bored at their age. Why cant we reserve the fairy tales for bedtime alone and acquaint them with real people and the real world? What is so wrong with saying 'No' or saying 'I cant do it' or 'I cant afford it' or 'You don't need it'? What is so wrong about expecting them to be polite, kind and simple?
Like everything to do with children, it is a battle between reason and affection. But I do not believe in overdoing things for children and so its always best to stick to the truth. Talk to them, sell them your simple problems and grandiose ideals. Be creative - give them new and meaningful ways to do something, encourage them to be different and stand for what they think is right.
I have still not come to terms with the return gifts, hence birthday parties have flown out the window since my daughter turned 6. Its not been easy - but I am glad I have shown my daughter other ways to celebrate her birthday. It is up to us to teach children that life doesn't end when a door is closed, but that it gives you room for other possibilities. So what if they don't get a return gift or get the wrong one, nothing should wreck their endless party.
By then our budget had spiraled somewhat out of control, but what the hell! it is our only daughter's special day. Then my daughter matter-of-factly asked me, 'Ma what about return gifts'? I was mentally and physically not prepared. I tried to reason with my daughter that nobody would mind because the food, music, cake and games were all lavish and brilliant. She wouldn't hear any of it - she told me wisely that none of the other things mattered if there were no return gifts. I thought she was being dramatic. But she was adamant and in hindsight, I thank her for drilling sense into my out-of-date, laid back mind. I finally had to give in - does any parent have an alternate choice especially when it is a birthday in question?
I reminisced about the no-frills, but meaningful birthdays my parents gave me. 'Ma let's go now' - she shook me from my useless reverie. The hunt for the return gifts turned out to be the mother of all birthday party efforts - 32 meaningful gifts - alike but customized to the sex and age of every child and wrapped and packed likewise. It meant finding the one shop that had the number of gifts I needed, in the budget I needed and the way I wanted. I was tearing my hair in agony wondering, who invented this concept of return gifts? Sheer torture for 'far from ideal' parents like me!
Come D-Day and my daughter is in the best of spirits. We have a gala party, play games and there is a boisterous debate on who gets the Barbie's head, crown, face, shoes and everything in between. After a frantic, helpless intervention and what seems like an amicable agreement, the cake is cut and I manage to calm the kids with a platter of cake and food. I mentally made a note that anything that is remotely home-made or healthy gets passed or wasted. Then the children get restless and I know its time for them to go home, so I am ready to bid them goodbye when they remind me that I am forgetting something. I realize my grave error and rush to get the gifts and ruefully moan that I have not named or packed them according to sex or age. So I let them open the gifts and exchange it themselves and lo! the most fierce childish battlefield unleashes in the very confines of the place that had dancing feet and smiling faces, just awhile ago. Wrapping paper flew all over the place - 'Reduce, Reuse, Recycle' be damned! There were children crying, screaming, sulking and I had to finally call parents to drag wailing kids away from my house. Despite my best efforts, I felt tired, shaken and extremely sad to have invited children over to my place, only to return home crying. The only saving grace were some wonderful kids who came up to me and said 'Aunty, thank you for the beautiful party'.
There are a lot of things you realize about yourself, your child and children in general at a kids' birthday party. Most of them wonderful, but some of them are unsettling - like how we feel it is alright that children are conditioned to expect something in return for something they give or how we unwittingly let children imagine they are entitled to everything they want. It is unsettling how our sense of right and wrong flies out the window when it is our children in question - how children bring the best, but also the 'worst' in us. Family feuds over property is most definitely because we want it for our children, most of us become materialistic after we have children. We cease to believe in good manners once we have children - we think its okay to let our children misuse apartment premises, run amok in restaurants, throw tantrums in public and lastly that its okay for them to sulk and be disappointed or bored at their age. Why cant we reserve the fairy tales for bedtime alone and acquaint them with real people and the real world? What is so wrong with saying 'No' or saying 'I cant do it' or 'I cant afford it' or 'You don't need it'? What is so wrong about expecting them to be polite, kind and simple?
Like everything to do with children, it is a battle between reason and affection. But I do not believe in overdoing things for children and so its always best to stick to the truth. Talk to them, sell them your simple problems and grandiose ideals. Be creative - give them new and meaningful ways to do something, encourage them to be different and stand for what they think is right.
I have still not come to terms with the return gifts, hence birthday parties have flown out the window since my daughter turned 6. Its not been easy - but I am glad I have shown my daughter other ways to celebrate her birthday. It is up to us to teach children that life doesn't end when a door is closed, but that it gives you room for other possibilities. So what if they don't get a return gift or get the wrong one, nothing should wreck their endless party.
3 comments:
Agree word to word ith you. Just las weekend was my niece's 7th birthday. Having not been around on and off for the last 6 (they were onsite, in other places etc.) only now had she settld down and made friends. The birthday was in March, she had begun pestering her parents fr return gifts since last June. They finally drew a line and got some simple stuff and decided to have a simple arty with home made food of tikkis, chips, and the likes. We were shocked by what we saw when the kids came home. The fact that there was no Dominos nor McD was criminal to them! They wasted the food entirely. There were some kids, one kid didn't win those. Those who did had been given a chocolate. He comes up to my sis in law and says so what if they won you have them chocolates so give me some extra ones as well now.
Kids today have somewhere gotten out of hand and like it or not peer pressure and the attitude of parents is to blame for it :(
Sorry that was me Seeta, didn't realize my husbands Id was signed in :P
Return gifts- all the mess started from adults! Return gifts for house warming,weddings,any celebration is an opportunity to not just share happiness, but also flaunt purchasing power disparity!since children have parents as their first points of reference, they like to follow suit as we'll.good to know you decided to change the way of celebrating Ishas bday after her fourth. As usual,gave me something to chew my brains with!
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